It’s all in the Bag

I got off work last Thursday at 2:30 pm and proceeded to having a decadent (mind you long overdue) shopping spree:

-patent leather red cork wedges, Calvin Klein
-red lipstick and lip gloss, Nars. I’ve been feeling like a ball of fire lately. Restless to be accurate. I’m hoping this releases some of that pent up energy.
-The Happiness Project: so excited about reading Rubin’s book. Just started and it’s got the wheels turning in my brain already 😛
-yellow ruffled tube top, American Eagle. I almost bought this online in salmon which would have been a bad idea. That color is simply hideous In person. Best part: no bra required.
-AAA batteries, Energizer. Well really a purchase I made Friday but part of my “retail therapy”. I recently revived my long lost voice recorder from med school 2 days ago after I recommitted myself to a life of writing…… I’m planning to make this gadget my sidekick as I prepare articles for my website I’m launching July 2013. Look out for it ;-).

Ok so I did a little more than browse and have spent a ton over my budget this month….. :-). But the returns will be tremendous I anticipate as I have invested in so many domains in my life that make Me Dr Nutsnboltz

Did I mention the best addition to my life recently? Will comment on that later ;-).

Xoxo

DNB

Me in May

On a light private practice surgery rotation this month my only objectives are 2: operate till my intrinsic hand muscles get buff and live/love my life. Here are some simple ways I intend on doing just that:

1. Be aggressive, MAYbe aggressive: get into the OR at all costs. As it turns out, attendings in private practice love working with residents from academic institutions most of the time. They tend to be excellent teachers as well which makes for a very pleasant operative experience, if you ask me. The perfect soil for a young intern.

2. Read the following:

   

   Corner Office: 5 habits of Highly Effective CEOs. All future leaders’ guide to leadership in 21st century America

   

   The ICU Book by Marino. Less pleasurable, but equally necessary. Part of a master preparation for 2nd year.

   

   Get my workout on. Two things that turn this Georgia girl on are fitness and…..

   

   ….Fooooooood!! Which brings me to another goal….

3. Self control please! Stress of residency has led me to lose all self control with respects to food…. as well as other things. Trying to stay out of trouble this month 🙂
   

4. Paint a little bit. Art takes the edge from life for some reason. The best part is it really doesn’t matter if I’m good at it

5. Friends are priceless. Period. Make them count.

Oh, and I decided that I am happily an introvert. I used to be extroverted but have grown to spend so much time in my head recently that I truthfully have been lying to myself calling myself an extrovert.

More later as usual.

DNB

10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won’t Tell You

An Essay By CHARLES WHEELAN taken from the Wall street journal (April 30, 2012)

Getty ImagesLook to your left and then to your right. Is that pretty girl Phi Beta Kappa? Marry her.

Class of 2012,

I became sick of commencement speeches at about your age. My first job out of college was writing speeches for the governor of Maine. Every spring, I would offer extraordinary tidbits of wisdom to 22-year-olds—which was quite a feat given that I was 23 at the time. In the decades since, I’ve spent most of my career teaching economics and public policy. In particular, I’ve studied happiness and well-being, about which we now know a great deal. And I’ve found that the saccharine and over-optimistic words of the typical commencement address hold few of the lessons young people really need to hear about what lies ahead. Here, then, is what I wish someone had told the Class of 1988:

1. Your time in fraternity basements was well spent.

The same goes for the time you spent playing intramural sports, working on the school newspaper or just hanging with friends. Research tells us that one of the most important causal factors associated with happiness and well-being is your meaningful connections with other human beings. Look around today. Certainly one benchmark of your postgraduation success should be how many of these people are still your close friends in 10 or 20 years.

Charles Wheelan checks in on Mean Street with some advice for the Class of 2012: pay very close attention, because there are key things you need to know that you won’t learn by simply donning a cap and gown. Photo: AP.

2. Some of your worst days lie ahead. Graduation is a happy day. But my job is to tell you that if you are going to do anything worthwhile, you will face periods of grinding self-doubt and failure. Be prepared to work through them. I’ll spare you my personal details, other than to say that one year after college graduation I had no job, less than $500 in assets, and I was living with an elderly retired couple. The only difference between when I graduated and today is that now no one can afford to retire.

3. Don’t make the world worse. I know that I’m supposed to tell you to aspire to great things. But I’m going to lower the bar here: Just don’t use your prodigious talents to mess things up. Too many smart people are doing that already. And if you really want to cause social mayhem, it helps to have an Ivy League degree. You are smart and motivated and creative. Everyone will tell you that you can change the world. They are right, but remember that “changing the world” also can include things like skirting financial regulations and selling unhealthy foods to increasingly obese children. I am not asking you to cure cancer. I am just asking you not to spread it.

4. Marry someone smarter than you are. When I was getting a Ph.D., my wife Leah had a steady income. When she wanted to start a software company, I had a job with health benefits. (To clarify, having a “spouse with benefits” is different from having a “friend with benefits.”) You will do better in life if you have a second economic oar in the water. I also want to alert you to the fact that commencement is like shooting smart fish in a barrel. The Phi Beta Kappa members will have pink-and-blue ribbons on their gowns. The summa cum laude graduates have their names printed in the program. Seize the opportunity!

5. Help stop the Little League arms race. Kids’ sports are becoming ridiculously structured and competitive. What happened to playing baseball because it’s fun? We are systematically creating races out of things that ought to be a journey. We know that success isn’t about simply running faster than everyone else in some predetermined direction. Yet the message we are sending from birth is that if you don’t make the traveling soccer team or get into the “right” school, then you will somehow finish life with fewer points than everyone else. That’s not right. You’ll never read the following obituary: “Bob Smith died yesterday at the age of 74. He finished life in 186th place.”

6. Read obituaries. They are just like biographies, only shorter. They remind us that interesting, successful people rarely lead orderly, linear lives.

7. Your parents don’t want what is best for you. They want what is good for you, which isn’t always the same thing. There is a natural instinct to protect our children from risk and discomfort, and therefore to urge safe choices. Theodore Roosevelt—soldier, explorer, president—once remarked, “It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.” Great quote, but I am willing to bet that Teddy’s mother wanted him to be a doctor or a lawyer.

8. Don’t model your life after a circus animal. Performing animals do tricks because their trainers throw them peanuts or small fish for doing so. You should aspire to do better. You will be a friend, a parent, a coach, an employee—and so on. But only in your job will you be explicitly evaluated and rewarded for your performance. Don’t let your life decisions be distorted by the fact that your boss is the only one tossing you peanuts. If you leave a work task undone in order to meet a friend for dinner, then you are “shirking” your work. But it’s also true that if you cancel dinner to finish your work, then you are shirking your friendship. That’s just not how we usually think of it.

9. It’s all borrowed time. You shouldn’t take anything for granted, not even tomorrow. I offer you the “hit by a bus” rule. Would I regret spending my life this way if I were to get hit by a bus next week or next year? And the important corollary: Does this path lead to a life I will be happy with and proud of in 10 or 20 years if I don’t get hit by a bus.

10. Don’t try to be great. Being great involves luck and other circumstances beyond your control. The less you think about being great, the more likely it is to happen. And if it doesn’t, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being solid.

Good luck and congratulations.

— Adapted from “10½ Things No Commencement Speaker Has Ever Said,” by Charles Wheelan. To be published May 7 by W.W. Norton & Co.

A version of this article appeared April 28, 2012, on page C3 in some U.S. editions of The Wall Street Journal, with the headline: 10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won’t Tell You.

the NOmad

I’m in the habit of making to-d0-lists that I know won’t get done.

I place myself in uncomfortable situations often,

         and chase rainbows blindly off cliffs.

I repeat myself constantly…

Like a robot, only expecting different results each time.

The definition of insanity.

 

My life is not and never has been my own.

As if I’m the last picked player on the corner of a boardgame

          with no control over my piece.

 

No Peace.

 

I’m restless as is my spirit constantly.

My thoughts fleeting.

My emotions fluctulent.

I struggle and want stability, satisfaction, joy, contentment.

None of which I’ve known for some time now.

 

So I bob for Good Apples and retrieve these Nectarines daily ….

…..none of which surprisingly I have an appetite for any longer.

Perhaps it’s time I re-route yet again.

                                                            -NNB

Baltimore Part Of Human Trafficking Problem, Experts Say – Baltimore, Maryland News Story – WBAL Baltimore

Baltimore Part Of Human Trafficking Problem, Experts Say – Baltimore, Maryland News Story – WBAL Baltimore.

The write thing to do

…is to write it down apparently. Studies increasingly show that people who write down goals, dreams, and aspirations (both long term and short term are more likely to achieve them). I’m assuming this applies to 2012 new years resolutions too? shoulder shrug

1. Spend more 1:1 time praying and reflecting. I’d love to get to know God more. I think doing this will enable me to better appreciate his omnipotence and consequentially allow me to more effortlessly have faith
2. Live an active lifestyle: currently this is being done through my LAF membership 6 times a week. Did i mention the sauna?
3. Expand my cooking skill set. A never ending goal 🙂 . Interestingly enough, SAHMs are the BEST resources for this. They spend a lot of time reflecting about this topic in addition to organization of home life, etc.
4. Organize my life. Need I say more.
5. Make some meaningful steps in my career: MPH vs MPP….. transplant surgery vs vascular surgery vs endocrine.
6. Stay in better touch with family using a variety of creative techniques. I have 3 brothers, an older half sister, a grandma, and a dad that live in the US with me. They all have different personalities and interests. Therein lie different opportunities for me to connect with them
7. Resume self expression. One of the most challenging aspects of surgery residency is finding ways to continually express yourself on a daily basis. For me this usually takes place through my hair, clothing, and jewelry. But between the world of scrubs and the strict rules of the OR, it seems that this has gotten chopped out of my life… giving me little incentive to shop for myself anymore. I’d effectively like to get my sexy back :-). And now’s as good a time as any to do it!
8. Develop a regimen for surgical self education on a daily or at least weekly basis.

More later on how exactly I plan on achieving these things.

NNB

“Doc in the hood” to-do list….

One of my favorite attendings, no longer at my institution, did his residency at Emory decades ago. He and another one of his male collegues called themselves the Docs in the Hood, haha. The “hood” being Hotlanta, presumably.

Apparently, per an email i just read, residency starts 3 months from yesterday….. geez louise. Time to:

1. Figure out my student loan situation
2. Calculate my financial worth (can I skip this if I’m in the red anyways?)
3. Create a reasonably livable budget as a resident (google searching for a worksheet…)
4. Find an apartment
5. Find a gym (4 and 5 are mutual)
6. Find a reliable moving company (this is about to be a gnawing epigastric pain in my belly……..)
7. Figure out what to do with car (have it shipped vs finding some generous soul to drive it for me….)
8. Finish graduation and post-grad social plans

Some fun but definitely painful stuff to look forward to amidst weddings ect next month…. still wondering if I can squeeze in a vacay sometime late May early June (can I even afford this right now?). The real question: am I missing something?

NNB

How to Keep Your Email Inbox Under Control

Worth thinking about, these days when I’m feeling buried under. More less lame posts later when my life stabilizes…

How to Keep Your Email Inbox Under Control.

NNB

Domestic Violence: CAGE free

Photograph courtesy of: Women's Aid Act

I don’t mean to rain on the Valentine’s Day parade, but I recently contributed to the care of my first patient who was a victim of domestic violence. Med school’s “touchy-feely” classes do a fairly decent job of preparing students for counseling patients that snort cocaine, telling a patient they have cancer or HIV, and telling them they drink and smoke too much… add losing weight too to that list while we’re at it….. but noone can really teach you how to comfort a woman your age drenched in blood with multiple gashes in the center of her forehead, as you spend an hour holding your breath, carefully putting each stitch into place. Because truthfully, you can’t. Nothing you say to her after the fact is going to change what she just experienced. Neither does anyone alert you that the subsequent mornings you’ll wake up with her tear-streaked swollen face burned into your brain.

According to the Johns Hopkins University School of Public Health, a recent study (Population Reports: Ending Violence Against Women) revealed that at least 1 out of 3 women at some point in her lifetime will be beaten, forced into sex, or suffer other abuse within this spectrum. So look at the women in your family, your female friends, church pew members, classmates. Young (Laci Peterson and Evelyn Hernandez) and old alike, rich (Chris Brown and Rihanna) and poor. Human Rights Watch interestingly enough revealed recently that the rates of reported rape and violence against women were reported to be rapidly on the rise in 2007 and 2008 cases in the U.S. Is this improved documentation more better reporting or are women legitimately suffering more abuse? Looking at how increasingly violent our world is, I’m inclined to believe both.

Photograph courtesy of: Women's Aid Act

Violence against women crosses cultural bounds for sure. In fact, a group from Maryland coordinated a  study extending over multiple countries that support this whole heartedly (Profiling Domestic Violence, a Multi-country Study). We are taught that female immigrants are notably high risk for experiencing such abuse given the multiple obstacles to their independence (i.e. language proficiency, lower socioeconomic status, cultural pressures to endure, education, ect.). Being of Nigerian decent, I would be willing to bet my paycheck for the next 10 years that EVERY immigrant (or First generation American) West African, Caribbean, and Hispanic woman my age knows at least one person that has been a victim of domestic or sexual violence…. if not up to 5 or 6.

Photograph courtesy of: Women's Aid Act

 

So on this Valentine’s Day, indeed, eat/drink/be merry and celebrate love for the beautiful gift of the Holy Spirit that it is. But please also take time to remember the many love-less households there are in this world… Around the time of the holidays (especially Valentines day), victims in a violent relationship all over the U.S. suffer, many of them paying ultimately with their lives as CBS recently highlighted in an article (Does “V” Stand for Domestic Violence?) on domestic violence this past January. Reflect, pray, and do yourself and the women around you that you care about a favor and be an educated and sensitive good, no great friend.

 

 

 

Help:

If you or anyone you knows is being actively abused and is in an emergency situation where her life is actively being threatened, call 911 immediately.

For advice and support on all other non-emergent but equally important related matters, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

For additional advice and counseling: Find Counseling.com, Helpguide.org.

What to say when you don’t know what to say:

• You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
• You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
• You deserve to be treated with respect.

• You deserve a safe and happy life.
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.
• Can I get you help?

NNB

Open Adoption

I fell asleep to the Golden Girls, and woke up to Adoption Diaries on WeTV :-). I’ve never seen it before. It’s a new show on WeTV that takes viewers into the internal happenings of the adoption process from the perspectives of the birth mother as well as the adoptive parents.

What is open adoption?

Open adoptions are created through a mutual selection process where birthmothers have an opportunity to choose the adoptive parents for their child.  With the guidance of an agency counselor, birthmothers and adoptive parents create a plan for future contact and communication.

Unlike as is in the case in closed adoption, the adoptive parents in open adoption have the opportunity to interact with the birth mother prior to and after the birth/adoption process. Thus, the birth mother very peripherally is included in the life of the child almost in the context of an extended family member. This brings the advantage of the birth mother knowing that the child is doing well, the child knowing that he/she is in fact loved by both parties involved in the adoptive process, and adoptive parents an understanding and appreciation of the child’s biological and ethnic background while gaining a new loving member of their extended family. This eliminates the conflicting feelings of possible abandonment that may show up in the child’s life when he/she begins to understand that his/her adoptive parents did actually give birth to the child.

The show Adoption Diaries takes you through every aspect of the open adoption process through the Independent Adoption Center from both parties’ perspectives from the initial webpage profile setup through the actual delivery process. As you can imagine, there are a surge of emotions that take place, especially on the day of the delivery when absolutely anything can happen…..

I watched the story of Colene and the Zumdahls. The Zumdahls are from Illinois apparently. Their story warmed my heart :-). Here’s a clip of the show and comments (neutral, pros, cons) below from a variety of sources (parents and  children) who have had personal experiences with open adoption.

“I feel that an open adoption can provide a wonderful experience for the adopted child, even in transracial adoptions. Growing up, I had an eye witness account of a younger sister and a younger brother developing irreplaceable bonds with their birth parents that couldn’t be replicated with their adopted parents. These bonds weren’t in any way more significant or contradicted the immense bonds they had with their adopted parents. These bonds with their birth parents were in spite of and complimented the bonds with their adopted parents.

I believed this was possible due to well defined understandings between the birth parents and my adoptive parents. My parents recognized their adopted children potentially had a need to answers regarding their identity and family background that only contact with their birth parents could supply. Concurrently, the birth parents may have had a void in their lives left from relinquishing their children. I think the most crucial element in an open adoption is for the adoptive parents and birth parents to have the same understanding of the value of this type of  relationship for the child.

I don’t feel that an open adoption should be forced on children. As I mentioned earlier, my older brother didn’t feel comfortable around his birth mother. Although, she was allowed to visit, once my brother became old enough to express his feelings on the matter, he was not forced to interact with her. I feel this relationship between birth parents and adopted child should develop as quickly, slowly or not at all as is necessary for all child.”

Quiskaeya of Mama’s Garden, on “Thoughts on Open Transracial Adoption”

“Either way, I wanted to let her know he was loved and how much we appreciated the wonderful gift she had given us. I mean, what do you say to the woman who gave birth to your son? I have not found a lot of hallmark cards that cover the occasion, but I felt I had to write something. It just seems weird to me to have such a strong connection to another woman and not, at least, be on speaking terms.”

Amy B, on Adoption.com, years after adopting a special needs child through a closed adoption.

I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It’s like they don’t want to or can’t raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc. If the child wants to find it’s birthmom later when they’re of age, then fine, help them, but to have this open adoption balogney with birthdays and letters and once a year garbage is just that. I think it takes away from the child’s real, adoptive family for bonding, and gives rights to a birth parent who gave the rights up. That’s what adoption is. It also takes away the child’s right to know. My brother never wanted to know and didn’t care. I did and when I was of age, I talked to my birthmom. The child deserves that right to choose at an adult age. And that takes away any child’s right.

Alilac of AZ, adopted as a child commenting in response to a post on Well-Trained minds Forums.com

“Anyway, as far as our children go, it’s been a wonderful experience for them. We’ve been honest about who they are and where they came from since the beginning and answer all questions asked as best we can (and if we can’t, we can always call on the birth parent to do it!). Our birth parents come and spend the weekend at our house, and we go to their home as well. We know extended family and exchange Christmas cards. The kids love it because they know that they are loved all around. They don’t doubt that we are their parents…they know who changed those diapers, feeds them every day and is always there for them! Frankly, adoptive parents seem to be the only ones who get occasionally confused on this front, and in our case the birth parents are quick to straighten us out! I can recall many, many times when our birth mother reminded me that she was awfully glad she wasn’t the one who had to tell those little darlings “no” and smack their bottoms! I’ve never felt more “entitled” to be a parent than at those moments. She knew I was doing a better job than she could have, and she’d let me know all about it.

The fact that our children know and love their biological parents just says to them that their origins are okay…that there was no little dirty secret to their birth, just two sets of parents who loved and made sacrifices for them and continue to love them now. Essentially, we want it to become part of their “story,” but to be a non-issue, IYKWIM. We openly discuss their bio siblings as kids who are their brothers and sisters, just in a different way because they don’t grow up together. The birth mother (we adopted a sib group) and I have developed a love and respect for each other that has grown into a deep friendship. The two of us share a bond that no one else in the world can share. She’s one of my best friends.

My hope is that all of this will allow my children to grow up secure in the knowledge that they are loved, that they are okay, that their adoption wasn’t a random event but rather something planned out by God and by people who loved them enough to sacrifice deeply for them. I want them to know that they healed my heart when they came and that I am okay with how my family was made…in my heart rather than in my body. I want them to know that I think their “roots” are darn terrific folks and are welcome here anytime.”

Jennifer of NC, adopted mother of 4 commenting on Well-Trained minds Forums.com

Open or closed, adoption allows children the opportunity of experiencing God’s love in the context of a loving family.

NNB