Open Adoption

I fell asleep to the Golden Girls, and woke up to Adoption Diaries on WeTV :-). I’ve never seen it before. It’s a new show on WeTV that takes viewers into the internal happenings of the adoption process from the perspectives of the birth mother as well as the adoptive parents.

What is open adoption?

Open adoptions are created through a mutual selection process where birthmothers have an opportunity to choose the adoptive parents for their child.  With the guidance of an agency counselor, birthmothers and adoptive parents create a plan for future contact and communication.

Unlike as is in the case in closed adoption, the adoptive parents in open adoption have the opportunity to interact with the birth mother prior to and after the birth/adoption process. Thus, the birth mother very peripherally is included in the life of the child almost in the context of an extended family member. This brings the advantage of the birth mother knowing that the child is doing well, the child knowing that he/she is in fact loved by both parties involved in the adoptive process, and adoptive parents an understanding and appreciation of the child’s biological and ethnic background while gaining a new loving member of their extended family. This eliminates the conflicting feelings of possible abandonment that may show up in the child’s life when he/she begins to understand that his/her adoptive parents did actually give birth to the child.

The show Adoption Diaries takes you through every aspect of the open adoption process through the Independent Adoption Center from both parties’ perspectives from the initial webpage profile setup through the actual delivery process. As you can imagine, there are a surge of emotions that take place, especially on the day of the delivery when absolutely anything can happen…..

I watched the story of Colene and the Zumdahls. The Zumdahls are from Illinois apparently. Their story warmed my heart :-). Here’s a clip of the show and comments (neutral, pros, cons) below from a variety of sources (parents and  children) who have had personal experiences with open adoption.

“I feel that an open adoption can provide a wonderful experience for the adopted child, even in transracial adoptions. Growing up, I had an eye witness account of a younger sister and a younger brother developing irreplaceable bonds with their birth parents that couldn’t be replicated with their adopted parents. These bonds weren’t in any way more significant or contradicted the immense bonds they had with their adopted parents. These bonds with their birth parents were in spite of and complimented the bonds with their adopted parents.

I believed this was possible due to well defined understandings between the birth parents and my adoptive parents. My parents recognized their adopted children potentially had a need to answers regarding their identity and family background that only contact with their birth parents could supply. Concurrently, the birth parents may have had a void in their lives left from relinquishing their children. I think the most crucial element in an open adoption is for the adoptive parents and birth parents to have the same understanding of the value of this type of  relationship for the child.

I don’t feel that an open adoption should be forced on children. As I mentioned earlier, my older brother didn’t feel comfortable around his birth mother. Although, she was allowed to visit, once my brother became old enough to express his feelings on the matter, he was not forced to interact with her. I feel this relationship between birth parents and adopted child should develop as quickly, slowly or not at all as is necessary for all child.”

Quiskaeya of Mama’s Garden, on “Thoughts on Open Transracial Adoption”

“Either way, I wanted to let her know he was loved and how much we appreciated the wonderful gift she had given us. I mean, what do you say to the woman who gave birth to your son? I have not found a lot of hallmark cards that cover the occasion, but I felt I had to write something. It just seems weird to me to have such a strong connection to another woman and not, at least, be on speaking terms.”

Amy B, on Adoption.com, years after adopting a special needs child through a closed adoption.

I hate open adoptions. It gives the birthmom undue rights. It’s like they don’t want to or can’t raise them, but they want the best of both worlds. Someone to take care of their kid and the rights to birthdays, letters, etc. If the child wants to find it’s birthmom later when they’re of age, then fine, help them, but to have this open adoption balogney with birthdays and letters and once a year garbage is just that. I think it takes away from the child’s real, adoptive family for bonding, and gives rights to a birth parent who gave the rights up. That’s what adoption is. It also takes away the child’s right to know. My brother never wanted to know and didn’t care. I did and when I was of age, I talked to my birthmom. The child deserves that right to choose at an adult age. And that takes away any child’s right.

Alilac of AZ, adopted as a child commenting in response to a post on Well-Trained minds Forums.com

“Anyway, as far as our children go, it’s been a wonderful experience for them. We’ve been honest about who they are and where they came from since the beginning and answer all questions asked as best we can (and if we can’t, we can always call on the birth parent to do it!). Our birth parents come and spend the weekend at our house, and we go to their home as well. We know extended family and exchange Christmas cards. The kids love it because they know that they are loved all around. They don’t doubt that we are their parents…they know who changed those diapers, feeds them every day and is always there for them! Frankly, adoptive parents seem to be the only ones who get occasionally confused on this front, and in our case the birth parents are quick to straighten us out! I can recall many, many times when our birth mother reminded me that she was awfully glad she wasn’t the one who had to tell those little darlings “no” and smack their bottoms! I’ve never felt more “entitled” to be a parent than at those moments. She knew I was doing a better job than she could have, and she’d let me know all about it.

The fact that our children know and love their biological parents just says to them that their origins are okay…that there was no little dirty secret to their birth, just two sets of parents who loved and made sacrifices for them and continue to love them now. Essentially, we want it to become part of their “story,” but to be a non-issue, IYKWIM. We openly discuss their bio siblings as kids who are their brothers and sisters, just in a different way because they don’t grow up together. The birth mother (we adopted a sib group) and I have developed a love and respect for each other that has grown into a deep friendship. The two of us share a bond that no one else in the world can share. She’s one of my best friends.

My hope is that all of this will allow my children to grow up secure in the knowledge that they are loved, that they are okay, that their adoption wasn’t a random event but rather something planned out by God and by people who loved them enough to sacrifice deeply for them. I want them to know that they healed my heart when they came and that I am okay with how my family was made…in my heart rather than in my body. I want them to know that I think their “roots” are darn terrific folks and are welcome here anytime.”

Jennifer of NC, adopted mother of 4 commenting on Well-Trained minds Forums.com

Open or closed, adoption allows children the opportunity of experiencing God’s love in the context of a loving family.

NNB